My Grandmother Mildred and me- she always dressed me in beautiful outfits.
Both of my grandmothers showed me love the way one imagines a grandmother’s love ought to be yet I often felt so lonely. My mother and Anna were the best loneliness chasers. Mildred adored me yet emotionally connecting with her for some reason usually alluded me. She and Dutch took me many places and bought me things but I was almost like a piece of the furniture when it came to emotions and my inner world. Gran died when I was sixteen and I remember feeling emotionless and numb. I loved her but emotionally detached as I was, I didn’t feel very close to her. Spending considerable time alone as a child set me on a course of holding in my emotions and thoughts. I didnlt know any differentand I didn’t know how to share anything and was extremely shy and scared to talk with anyone. The external world was largely superficial and my inner world was quite solitary.
Both of my grandmothers showed me love the way one imagines a grandmother’s love ought to be yet I often felt so lonely. My mother and Anna were the best loneliness chasers. Mildred adored me yet emotionally connecting with her for some reason usually alluded me. She and Dutch took me many places and bought me things but I was almost like a piece of the furniture when it came to emotions and my inner world. Gran died when I was sixteen and I remember feeling emotionless and numb. I loved her but emotionally detached as I was, I didn’t feel very close to her. Spending considerable time alone as a child set me on a course of holding in my emotions and thoughts. I didnlt know any differentand I didn’t know how to share anything and was extremely shy and scared to talk with anyone. The external world was largely superficial and my inner world was quite solitary.
Mildred with her auto in the 1950’s
My seamstress grandmother Mildred did her share of cooking and baking which I recall required long hours before important holidays such as Christmas. I tediously decorated her home baked cookies with colored sugars in whatever designs I imagined. It was Anna who took time to make breakfast for me, play card games with me and since all her work was home based she was available for careful observation. She made an effort sometimes to actually play with me. I grew up doing things alone and only occasionally having other girls to play dolls or games with so playing the ways children play is something I am still trying to learn.
My grandmother Mildred married Dutch when my mother Elle was eight years old
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