Now I think “If only”. If only someone had asked me questions when I was a child. Maybe I would have been able to express my inner world.
The fears that became a backdrop for my childhood robbed me of fun times. This makes me want to do something to rescue other children from unnecessary childhood fears. My own children were permitted to sleep with a light on or whatever made them feel more comfortable and secure. When they expressed any fear or uncertainty about the difference between reality and unreality I wanted to listen. I tried to demonstrate care do anything possible to soothe their questions, fears or concerns. Sometimes a child or even an adult can be stricken with fear over something seemingly trivial and insignificant. At times the fears of another can be laughable to us. We can help the one who fears see through the fear fog. With a bit of help any fearful person can recognize that entertaining unwarranted fearful thoughts is ludicrous.
This is one reason children need parents and people need each other. We can help reality test one another’s fears and provide rational feedback and guidance. It amazes me now that I lived so many years in isolation with my fears. No one knew how scared I was or of the monsters and vampires that roamed about my thoughts plaguing me, especially when the sun went down.
I wonder why the adults I my world didn’t question why I tried any possible maneuver to avoid bedtime. The aversion to bedtime established habits that to this day regulate my biological clock with and iron hand. I doubt I’ll ever achieve being a morning person though I believe it is more virtuous to be so. There’s something about hooting with the owls that seems less refined.
My recommendation to parents is try your best to keep asking your children questions. Not just factual questions that can be answered in one word or sentence such as “did you brush your teeth?”, “Do you want a snack?” or “Is your homework done?”? The art of asking open ended questions and then being a good listener makes one a good conversationalist and it can help others, especially kids, feel less isolated. Open ended questions are invitations to share and explore feelings. Factual reporting conversations can be boring, short lived and leave the participants feeling lonely even in a crowd.
I wish I’d heard someone ask questions like “What did you do all day with the babysitter?” “What was the movie about that you saw?” “What is that book about that you are reading and what things do you like about it?” A simple question such as “What are you feeling?” was not something I learned how to ask myself or anyone else until I was an adult. I’m glad I learned about open ended questions and active listening. A good place to start for understanding these skills is the classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
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