Multigenerational Divorce

               Phyllis Schlafly with President Ronald Reagan

I’d like to stand on a worldwide house top and yell so everyone could hear and really comprehend- Divorce sucks! It is never pretty. Though sometimes it is necessary, divorce never happens without splintering and wounding lives. Divorce is now a national travesty that undermines the very root of stability for any society. Where are values of lifelong commitment? I hope the next generation observes my generation to learn how they do not want to live. We’ve set a morally bankrupt example for personal integrity and family strength.

I hate divorce but it happened to my grandmother, my mother and me. I don’t believe in it except if necessary when there exists unrepentant adultery, abuse or abandonment. I bet that every couple still together experienced times when they wondered whether they made a mistake in the person they married, contemplated separation or divorce and did not love or even hated one another. Statistics clearly show that when couples weather such storms they do come out on the other side with stronger marriages. Statistics also show that couples who live together before marriage have a much higher divorce rate. Who promised happily ever after easy? If God says that “love is stronger than death” than why is there so much divorce? How do our hearts become so hardened?

I believe there is a lot to be said for doing what is right even when it is hard. That’s one reason I like the book Jane Eyre. In the story Jane does what is right even when it is unbelievably difficult. We are not much about that kind of morality nowadays. Have I exemplified such a standard? Far from it! I’ve failed miserably in this important area of life. Divorce has plagued my family for too many generations. It has brought untold heartbreak to my family, especially my own children.  Who we marry is the second most important decision of our lives, just second to what we do with our relationship with the living God. Deciding well with the help and counsel from those who love you is wise. Yet there is always risk in every life decision.

After George and Elle divorced I lived with my single mother and numerous stays with grandparents. I don’t know how many years I hoped and fantasized about my parents getting back together, as most children do. It is natural for the child’s heart to crave parental togetherness. Unquestionably, what is best for children are two parents together for life- a mother and a father.  It is ideal if the mother can be with her child and simply present and available. Someone needs to be there to take care of a child and in America today there is too often no one home at all. Children are farmed out to babysitters and daycare centers- forced away from their parents at such early ages. It makes my heart very sad because I’ve seen what it is like in the centers, however good they may be. I’ve seen the sad eyes of children who yearn just to be with mom or dad.

If anyone understands that there are times and situations that require children to be separated from parents it is I. It happened to me and then my children when I became a single mother. I had to work and leave them. There was no alternative but to become a careerist.  I am just saying that when it is not necessary any child will fare better just being with mom.  This is not complicated. I know the arguments. I would never condemn or point any fingers since they would only point right back to me and my own failures. My personal failures do not diminish the timeless truths about what is best for children and families. I pray that the scourge of unnecessary divorce stops in my own family, in America and the rest of the world. Divorce always brings sadness and severing of lives and it is most definitely a dirty word.

Back on top of the house I shout that parenting the next generation is the highest calling one could have! For women who want to be mothers and have a vital, meaningful career- look for role models of women who have “done it all” but not all at the same time.  We have seasons of our lives.  Regardless of what you may think of her views, Phyllis Schlafly, named one of the 100 most important women of the 20th century by the Ladies' Home Journal, and was the 1992 Illinois Mother of the Year, is an interesting example of a woman who has done much of it “all” as a world changing woman but not all at the same time. She stayed with her six children, got a law degree and much more. I need to say that if all I ever did as an adult was give birth to my children that would be enough- enough that is meaningful, life giving and intrinsically important and valuable. Motherhood is enough! Maybe part of the family splintering is the result of parents stressing and exhausting themselves trying to be and do everything. Radical as it may sound, even without children, being a faithful, loving, supportive wife is enough!  See Phyllis’ bio at http://www.eagleforum.org/misc/bio.html